Here’s a 2 minute stand up clip about the current state of the NFL.
I wrote this. (From last night’s Jimmy Kimmel.)
Some of you may remember I saw a lady commit suicide once. I was driving over the Sunshine Skyway bridge on my way to Sarasota to do a show, opening for a friend of mine and to audition for further work at that club. She was on the ledge, sitting there. I didn’t even notice her until I was about…
Stopped by the Laugh Factory tonight…
In the beginning, dating is never easy. Awkwardly trying to make conversation. Not knowing if you should make your move. Covertly taking her phone and saying it was an accident so she has no excuse but to see you again. But being broke while you’re trying to date is even less easy. Being a broke man and trying to date is like navigating a minefield blindfolded while wearing Shaquille O’Neal’s shoes. Chivalry isn’t dead. It’s just on layaway.
If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who is also poor and understands your plight. I suggest trying to meet new people at places where poverty stricken people tend to flock. Like thrift stores, buffets, or Ghana.
If you’re not lucky enough to meet a woman who is constantly surrounded by a cartoon cloud of dirt, GOOD NEWS! There are still plenty of fun date ideas that are cheap or free. Here are a few to get you going:
•Take her to identify a body.
•Take her for a walk in a neighborhood that is nicer than the one you probably live in.
•Buy one ticket for a movie and let her in through the exit.
•Explore a sewer.
•Start a structure fire, and kiss her in front of the roaring flames before the cops show up.
•Coordinate the heist of a top tier Las Vegas casino.
There are an infinite number of ways to have fun with someone. As long as your partner can see that you’re making an effort, it shouldn’t matter that you’re not eating sushi off the body of a nude refugee girl every night. Be creative. And if all else fails, sign up for a credit card and only make the minimum payments until it’s maxed out or if you’re lucky, you die.
The number 1 thing couples fight about is money. So I’m dating a homeless woman. I just give her bread sometimes. It’s like dating a duck.— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) July 11, 2014
So you’ve met somebody?! That’s awesome!! But, you can barely afford your bills every month? Oh… awesome. Being broke sucks. Being broke AND single? You might as well freshen up your volunteer skills because your best chance of meeting someone will be at a soup kitchen. How can anyone possibly try and be romantic when they don’t even have enough gas money to go and see their love interest? Thanks Obama. Here are a few ideas for poor people trying to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. I’ll wait while you plug your laptop back in because it was made in 1997 and doesn’t hold a charge.
Dating while poor is a lot like trying to diet while poor. It’s impossible. Who can afford to buy all organic, all the time? I’ve been to Fresh Market. I’m well aware of how you have to eat everything you purchase in a matter of days because it will expire; and there goes half of your money straight in the trash. You’re better off combining everything you both have in your refrigerators and inventing a delicious Old Ham & Condiment Soup.
Get used to being outside. The outside is your friend because you can’t actually afford to go anywhere. Hope you like people watching because you and your date will be doing a lot of it while you sit on a bench that hopefully isn’t soaked in the urine of a homeless man. The good news is you might discover a new favorite pastime, like giving every stranger you see a back story… Suddenly that unassuming old man sitting alone on a bench is the latest Silver Alert and his family is worried sick. Sadly, you don’t have the heart to turn him in because he thinks he’s at his granddaughter’s 12th birthday party.
Skype helps. But only for a brief moment, before you realize that an entire minute has gone by since he’s blinked… or talked… or breathed. And in case you’re wondering how a poor person has the internet - didn’t EVERYONE get an Obama Smartphone?
Discount dating isn’t easy. It’s downright depressing. But drowning in your sorrows won’t fix the problem… and it certainly won’t get you laid. So do your best to be innovative, spontaneous, and an absolute delight to be around. After all, life isn’t so bad. Unless you’re that lost, Alzheimer’s guy from the bench.
Question: How long do I have to be broke before I can write a rap song about my time on the streets?— Katie Kearney (@IrishKearBomb) July 29, 2014
His & Hers is written by Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) and Katie Kearney (@IrishKearBomb)