Matt Fernandez

Funny Or Die's 15 Comedians You Should Follow On Twitter. Tweets on Ellen & Mandatory. Stand up on Rooftop Comedy & Sirius XM. Contributor to Cigarcitycomedy.com.
www.mattfernandezworld.com

Upcoming Shows: August 28th
Cigar City Comedy Showcase
Orlando Improv

September 26th
Opening for Kyle Kinane
Crow Bar, Tampa
I’m on this show at the end of September in Tampa. 

I’m on this show at the end of September in Tampa. 

Yet Another Blog about Robin Williams and Suicide

gregkash:

Some of you may remember I saw a lady commit suicide once. I was driving over the Sunshine Skyway bridge on my way to Sarasota to do a show, opening for a friend of mine and to audition for further work at that club. She was on the ledge, sitting there. I didn’t even notice her until I was about…

travonfree:

Stopped by the Laugh Factory tonight…

travonfree:

Stopped by the Laugh Factory tonight…

His & Hers: How to Date When You’re Poor

His:

In the beginning, dating is never easy. Awkwardly trying to make conversation. Not knowing if you should make your move. Covertly taking her phone and saying it was an accident so she has no excuse but to see you again. But being broke while you’re trying to date is even less easy. Being a broke man and trying to date is like navigating a minefield blindfolded while wearing Shaquille O’Neal’s shoes. Chivalry isn’t dead. It’s just on layaway.

If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who is also poor and understands your plight. I suggest trying to meet new people at places where poverty stricken people tend to flock. Like thrift stores, buffets, or Ghana.

If you’re not lucky enough to meet a woman who is constantly surrounded by a cartoon cloud of dirt, GOOD NEWS! There are still plenty of fun date ideas that are cheap or free. Here are a few to get you going: 

•Take her to identify a body.
•Take her for a walk in a neighborhood that is nicer than the one you probably live in.
•Buy one ticket for a movie and let her in through the exit.
•Explore a sewer.
•Start a structure fire, and kiss her in front of the roaring flames before the cops show up.
•Coordinate the heist of a top tier Las Vegas casino.

There are an infinite number of ways to have fun with someone. As long as your partner can see that you’re making an effort, it shouldn’t matter that you’re not eating sushi off the body of a nude refugee girl every night. Be creative. And if all else fails, sign up for a credit card and only make the minimum payments until it’s maxed out or if you’re lucky, you die.

Hers:

So you’ve met somebody?! That’s awesome!! But, you can barely afford your bills every month? Oh… awesome. Being broke sucks. Being broke AND single? You might as well freshen up your volunteer skills because your best chance of meeting someone will be at a soup kitchen. How can anyone possibly try and be romantic when they don’t even have enough gas money to go and see their love interest? Thanks Obama. Here are a few ideas for poor people trying to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. I’ll wait while you plug your laptop back in because it was made in 1997 and doesn’t hold a charge.

Dating while poor is a lot like trying to diet while poor. It’s impossible. Who can afford to buy all organic, all the time? I’ve been to Fresh Market. I’m well aware of how you have to eat everything you purchase in a matter of days because it will expire; and there goes half of your money straight in the trash. You’re better off combining everything you both have in your refrigerators and inventing a delicious Old Ham & Condiment Soup.

Get used to being outside. The outside is your friend because you can’t actually afford to go anywhere. Hope you like people watching because you and your date will be doing a lot of it while you sit on a bench that hopefully isn’t soaked in the urine of a homeless man. The good news is you might discover a new favorite pastime, like giving every stranger you see a back story… Suddenly that unassuming old man sitting alone on a bench is the latest Silver Alert and his family is worried sick. Sadly, you don’t have the heart to turn him in because he thinks he’s at his granddaughter’s 12th birthday party.

Skype helps. But only for a brief moment, before you realize that an entire minute has gone by since he’s blinked… or talked… or breathed. And in case you’re wondering how a poor person has the internet - didn’t EVERYONE get an Obama Smartphone?

Discount dating isn’t easy. It’s downright depressing. But drowning in your sorrows won’t fix the problem… and it certainly won’t get you laid. So do your best to be innovative, spontaneous, and an absolute delight to be around. After all, life isn’t so bad. Unless you’re that lost, Alzheimer’s guy from the bench.

His & Hers is written by Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) and Katie Kearney (@IrishKearBomb)

His & Hers: The Art of Sending Nudes

His:

Look, no one should ever have to see a penis. I have one attached to me, so I have no choice in the matter. Sometimes I’m tempted to stare at the sun until I am no longer burdened with the sight of it. Of course then I remember I wouldn’t be able to see the female version of penises either. I think they’re called “vejimas.” I’ll have to double check. Some where along the line it became commonplace to send a picture of your manhood to the person you love the most. That sounds like a crime when I say it out loud. People barely want to see the Statue of David, and it’s in Florence. You’re taking camera phone pictures in the bean bag chair of your dimly lit bedroom? A dick pic is the most unsettling thing I can imagine someone receiving on their phone. “Oh, gosh golly, I’ve received a text. Who ever could it be from? NOOOO!!! WHY GOD, WHY?!It’s similar to what I imagine a burglar leaping out from behind a dark corner would feel like.

Women’s unmentionables are simply more photogenic. They have angles and curves… they have character and options. There are no good lighting options for a picture of male genitalia. It’s the most comical body part of either sexes. The best you can do is try to balance out the comedy by making it look menacing. Tie a bandana around the tip, and borrow a gun from an action figure.

It is so pleasant to receive a photo of a naked woman. Hopefully I speak for all men when I say we appreciate it so much. But we’re unsure of how to reciprocate, so all we can think to do is apply your system to an inferior product. You’re Coke, and we’re Pepsi. Shit, we’re Tab. It’s a smaller scale version of a man not remembering his wife’s birthday, so he stops at a gas station on the way home and grabs whatever is close to the register. Oh yes, she’ll love that bag of beef jerky and those Black & Milds, you modern day Romeo. Let this article serve as a simultaneous thank you and apology to women. You send us pictures of flowers on a beautiful day. We send you pictures of an egg roll we found in a rainy parking lot.

Hers:

In this day and age of technological advancement, you will most likely at one point in your life use that technology not to cure cancer or change the world, but to send someone a nude photo of yourself… even if you’re fat. While I’m old enough to appreciate the days of calling people on the phone to make plans, I am also a self-proclaimed avant-garde and I’ve listed some ways to send a naked picture of yourself, without having to feel ashamed about your excess body hair or possible third nipple.

  • Use filters. Those porn stars you’ve seen have been shot with soft lighting and airbrushed… no “professional” is ever shown in their natural state. Unless you plan on switching out those fluorescents for some soft whites and rubbing your razor burn down with some skin-matching concealer, the sepia filter is your best friend. 
  • Don’t include your face. Ever. If you ever include your face in a picture that you plan on transmitting electronically, congratulations, you are now an amateur porn star… and I’ll be critiquing your work the next time I’m perusing pornhub.
  • Make sure the coast is clear. For the love of God, kids are fucked up enough already without having to walk in on mommy who is posing on all fours, waiting for the timer to count down from 10. Lock the goddamn door first.
  • Fun it up. Many cameras have apps you can install that allow you to add some variety to your photo. So go ahead and draw some googly eyes and a cute button nose on your vertical smile before sending it over. I guarantee it will brighten his day.

So unless you’re planning on becoming the next president, go ahead and snap a few naked photos on your mobile device. Just make sure to delete them before you start showing your parents the pictures from your trip to the coast.

His & Hers is written by Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) and Katie Kearney (@IrishKearBomb)